Story originally printed in the Coulee News or online at www.couleenews.com
Published - Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Astounding feats of gastronomy (or you are what you eat)
A 19-year-old Princeton, N.J. college student made news this week for being the first person to meet a restaurant's challenge of downing a six-pound hamburger and five pounds of fixings within three hours.
Kate Stelnick is a diminutive 100-pounder who said she didn't eat for two days preparing for the challenge at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pa. She finished the behemoth burger, called "Ye Old 96er," and the accompanying one large onion, two whole tomatoes, one half-head of lettuce, 1 ¼ pounds of cheese, two buns and cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish banana peppers and some relish with six minutes to spare, dabbing her mouth with a final napkin at two hours, 54 minutes.
I need to check the family tree because this woman is probably related to me. And I'm proud to admit it.
Feats of gastronomical greatness are a tradition in the Hardie family. My dad still tells many tales of his many voluminous caloric accomplishments.
As a teen-ager, three Big Macs was a standard order for me. On several occasions when I was really hungry, four was not out of the question. But then there was my brother, Kevin.
Three years my senior, Kevin was without a doubt the Big Mac champion in our neck of the woods. My three Big Mac routine was five or six to him.
There was, however, one trip to the Golden Arches that was his crowning glory. It was on that day, a time when Big Macs were 75 cents, that my lean brother strode up to the counter and uttered these unforgettable words: ``I'll have eight Big Macs.''
The counter worker looked to see how many people Kevin was ordering for, but all she saw was a hungry army of one. And gulp by gulp, Kevin gorged himself with all eight Big Macs, plus a large order of fries and a chocolate shake.
Yeah, I know this sounds like one Big Whopper, but I swear it's true. Styrofoam cartons and traces of special sauce were everywhere. It was not a pretty picture. And he repeated it at least once more to prove it wasn't a fluke n I have an uncle who still remembers paying the bill.
I've been known to hold my own when it comes to massive quantities of food. My top taco consumption at a single sitting was 22 hard shells and I did imbibe in five grilled rib eyes one night n after I had already eaten supper.
That was in my younger days, when the chuck wagon did not just roll through, I drove it.
The unfortunate byproduct of this appetite was a lot of extra weight and I have old photos to prove it. I was known as the Father of Fries, the Ace of Adipose, the Baron of Burgers, the King of Consumption, the Potentate of Portliness, the Governor of Gluttony, and the Big ASSemblyman.
It just didn't happen overnight. After leaving the family farm in 1982, my first job in the real world was in a fast-food restaurant. I went from tossing hay bales to flipping burgers.
However, I continued to eat like I was still working hard on the farm. My idea of a serving of fries was not constrained to a mere cardboard container. A meal tray, I quickly discovered, held a full basket of fries. And when one has the ability to cook one's own food, why be limited to just a single quarter-pound burger when stacking two or three patties on a bun did a better job of satiating my appetite.
My penchant for fast food -- the cheaper the better -- continued even after a local joint used to have three burgers for a buck on Friday nights. You'd be surprised how easy it was to scarf down $3 worth, a couple orders of fries and a shake.
I was also blessed with a spouse who knew the fine art of cooking. So sometimes -- more than I'd care to admit -- my late night fast food feasts were a supplemental snack to a full supper. At the height of my rapacity, my personal consumption rivaled that of entire Third World nations.
It didn't help that barnacles were more active than I was. I did chins up, not chin ups. Couch potato -- heck, I was a living room legume. I half-heartedly tried to jog a couple of times, but not enough to stir my lethargic, lard-like lifestyle.
I did see the light a few years and started to exercise regularly and eat a healthier diet. I lost quite a few pounds and have kept most of them off n even though I can still eat large amounts at times.
I seemed to have passed the eating gene on to my kids. My daughter Jessica continues to amaze her college friends at the amount of food that she can pack away.
A slim and trim young woman who isn't much larger than the six-pound hamburger champ, Jessica once ate a 24-inch fully-loaded sub at a shop that specializes in large, thick sandwiches that look like loaves of bread. Her feat so astonished the manager on duty that he refunded her money and it brought hoots of admiration from some college men who were not up to the task themselves.
Stuffing yourself for free? To steal a phrase from a beer commercial: It don't get no better than that.
My 16-year-old son Ross was proclaimed the champion pancake eater a couple of years ago at a youth retreat, putting to shame competitors who outweighed him by 100 to 150 pounds.
The eating gene's also carried on to my brother's kids as well. When my mother prepares a holiday dinner, she usually peels 20 pounds of potatoes n and there are usually only 12 of us eating.
I do have to admit that I can't eat the way I used to, so it's a good thing the younger generation is taking over. Even though in my gut I think I can still whip them.
But I don't think I could stomach the crow that I'd have to eat if I couldn't.
All stories copyright 2006 Coulee News and other attributed sources.